Lemon Balm Coaching
Welcome to The Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast
Life after 40 isn’t the end of the story—it’s the start of an incredible new chapter. 🌿
Here on The Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast, we’re all about helping women over 40 rediscover joy, purpose, and freedom. Whether you’re navigating empty nest syndrome, feeling stuck in the daily grind, or just wondering what’s next, this is your space to pause, reflect, and grow.
Each week, we’ll dive into inspiring topics, actionable tips, and heartfelt stories that empower you to:
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Lemon Balm Coaching
Curiosity Killed the Shame (Not the Cat)
Some days are harder than others, and that soul-deep exhaustion you're feeling might be more than just physical tiredness. It might be your body's way of sending you an important message.
When I was going through my toughest times—experiencing unexplainable aches, inflammation, and brain fog—doctors kept running tests and prescribing medications. But no one asked about my life circumstances or emotional well-being. They were giving me pills when what I needed was a pause to get curious about what was really happening beneath my symptoms.
This episode explores the profound difference between judgment and curiosity in our healing journey. When we judge ourselves harshly for not "being over it" or for "doing that thing again," we activate our sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight), creating an internal environment where healing becomes physiologically impossible. Your body simply cannot heal when it feels unsafe, and self-judgment is one of the quickest ways to create that feeling of danger.
Curiosity, however, activates our parasympathetic nervous system—creating the safety our bodies need to heal. We explore practical questions you can use to cultivate curiosity about your mind ("What else could be true?"), your body ("What sensation am I experiencing right now?"), and your spirit (remembering that even God welcomes your difficult questions). These gentle inquiries open pathways to connection with yourself and others that judgment simply cannot access.
Remember, your healing journey isn't linear, but you don't have to walk it alone. Reach out and connect with our community of compassionate women who understand what you're going through. You are exactly where you're meant to be, and the world needs the healing, whole version of you.
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Music by Adipsia
As we get started today, I'm going to be Captain Obvious for just a moment and I'm going to state something that you all know, but sometimes it needs to be said. Some days are harder than others and if you're here today and it's feeling pretty hard, you're not alone. I know I got a full night of sleep last night, but I'm feeling exhausted today and you know, sometimes when we're tired it's more than just tiredness, it's a soul deep depletion. I remember back when I was going through it. Man, I was my, I was feeling it and feeling it hard. My body was screaming at me. Man, I was feeling it and feeling it hard. My body was screaming at me.
Speaker 1:Unexplainable aches, inflammation that you could feel all over your body, brain fog, and I would go to doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist, having test after test and blood draw after blood draw, and they didn't have any answers for me. I knew it wasn't a physical issue, but none of these doctors asked me about my life, about what I was going through, what I was experiencing, what stressors I had going on. They never asked me about my history. They were just checking my function and according to all the tests, I was functioning fine. But deep down I knew I was not. They were throwing prescriptions at me. They were giving me pills when I needed a pause, and it wasn't until I got curious, until I started asking different questions of myself, that healing became possible. Healing doesn't begin with answers. It begins with better questions.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. I'm Melissa, your coach, cheerleader and maybe even a little bit like that mom who always has a warm hug and the best advice waiting for you. If you're a woman over 40 feeling like life's left you a little lost, aimless or downright stuck, you're in the right place. This is where your joy, your freedom and your purpose come back into focus. So grab a cup of something warm, settle in and let's start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you've ever heard the phrase curiosity over judgment, but curiosity invites healing while judgment blocks it. Healing while judgment blocks it. And I don't know about you, but there was a time in my life where sometimes it was conscious, sometimes it was unconscious, but I would beat myself up having an interaction with my spouse and beat myself up because, oh my gosh, there I go again, doing that again, or why can't I just get over whatever. This is this emotional breakdown? Why can't I just heal from whatever is going on in my body? What's wrong with me? I should be past this by now. Those types of judgmental comments actually stop the healing process. It feels like it's productive. For some reason we feel like if we can beat ourselves up enough, we might come out on the other end better. But it doesn't work that way. Judgment actually triggers the stress response. It triggers your sympathetic nervous system.
Speaker 1:When I think about the sympathetic versus the parasympathetic nervous system, I like to think about cavemen. Bear with me, just follow my logic here. Cavemen had a very clear example of what is unsafe versus what is safe. If they left their cave, they could be attacked by a saber-toothed tiger. They could be trampled by a mastodon. When cavemen were out of the cave, life was unsafe. So that is your sympathetic nervous system coming online. When they would walk out of the cave, their sympathetic nervous system everything in their brain would heighten. They would always be on the lookout for what was unsafe. But while they were in their cave, they were safe. They were calm. Their parasympathetic nervous system was online. So out of the cave is unsafe. In the cave was safe, out of the cave was sympathetic. Inside the cave was parasympathetic.
Speaker 1:Now, when you are being self-judgmental, when you are beating yourself up for doing the thing again, you're in the sympathetic nervous system. You are outside of the cave and remember our brains. I've said this before on the podcast, but our brains can't tell the difference between a real or perceived stress. A real stress would be the saber-toothed tiger is getting ready to eat me. A perceived stress is I don't know what I'm going to do to make ends meet this month. Stress is stress and it doesn't matter if it's a real stress or one that we're just worrying about something. We're making up Judgment. Self-judgment triggers the stress response. Self-judgment puts your nervous system into fight or flight. We're beating ourselves up, we think it's going to be productive, but what's happening is we're stopping the healing process.
Speaker 1:When your body feels unsafe, it will not heal. I'm going to say that again when your body feels unsafe, it will not heal, period. So, regardless of what kind of stress you have going on, your body feels unsafe, it cannot heal. I'm actually thinking of a particular client right now who has a variety of autoimmune issues, which is right. Your body is attacking itself. Right. The body knows it is unsafe, it cannot heal. The body is attacking itself, activating the sympathetic nervous system, passing judgment on itself. It cannot heal.
Speaker 1:Judgment narrows the thought process. Judgment says there's only one way to be okay and we've got to clear all this crap out to be okay. Judgment increases cortisol, it tightens up muscles, it steals your sleep and judgment disconnects you from grace. It says God must be disappointed in me. Judgment tells us I'm a failure. Judgment tells your body you're worthless. Judgment activates the sympathetic nervous system and shuts down the healing process. And shuts down the healing process.
Speaker 1:But curiosity, on the other hand, curiosity is a healing posture. Judgment demands perfection, but curiosity invites connection. I love that saying Judgment demands perfection, but curiosity invites connection. Why do I love that so much? Because I believe we were designed for community and connection. That is part of our makeup Connection first with God, connection with ourselves mind, body, spirit and then connection with others. And if we're sitting in judgment of ourselves, we're shutting off the ability to connect with God, with our own selves and with other people. And I know you know what I'm talking about, because when you've been beating yourself up, it feels very alone, you feel very isolated, and isolation is one of the biggest tools that the enemy uses to attack us. So if we can be sitting in judgment of ourselves, we're isolating ourselves, we're breaking off connection. But curiosity invites connection. It invites connection first with the one who designed us, and it invites connection mind-body-spirit, and ultimately it invites connection outward with the people around us. Ultimately, it invites connection outward with the people around us.
Speaker 1:Curiosity looks like figuring out what's really going on underneath this fatigue. I woke up tired this morning, even though I got a full night of sleep. I could have just powered through it and said you know, I got to get all these things done today, got to get that podcast episode recorded, got to get things edited, got to get things posted, got to do all this, got to do all that. I could have done that. But instead I said, wow, I woke up so tired. What is going on there? What's going on underneath the surface? I got curious about this fatigue. Right, I could have beat myself up. I could have just powered through. Hello, I'm Gen X, it's kind of what we're good at. I could have just powered through. It could have been Wonder Woman. But instead I got curiosity. I got curious. I got curiosity, I got curious.
Speaker 1:I asked myself the question like what is it? Why am I so tired today? Like I, literally I know I got a full night of sleep. What is making me so tired? And I got curious about it. And that opened up the opportunity for me to connect mind, body and spirit, to check in and go. What's really going on here?
Speaker 1:Sometimes the symptom you're experiencing is actually acting as a protective mechanism. So for me, this tiredness today was just a reminder that I need a little bit more rest today. I need to be kinder to my body and my spirit. Sometimes the symptoms are showing up to protect us. So what is this symptom trying to protect me from?
Speaker 1:And then curiosity also might look like where did I learn to push through this type of pain? Like, where did I learn that we just have to show up no matter what and put on a smile and pretend everything's okay? Like I learned that in my childhood. I was thinking about that this morning as I was reading a book and it had some really thoughtful questions in it. And like, as a child, I learned that to belong in my family and this isn't something that they told me, it's just something that my little mind decided To belong I had to perform. It doesn't mean perform on stage, though I did, but perform in the family, perform around the house, perform I had to perform. So where did I learn to push through? That was kind of where I learned that. I learned it as a child.
Speaker 1:But curiosity curiosity puts us back in the cave, puts us back into safety, puts us back into a place where we can be vulnerable, where we can be open, puts us back into the parasympathetic nervous system. Remember, outside the cave, sympathetic, I could be trampled by a mastodon. Inside the cave, I belong and I'm safe, and this is where healing happens. This is our body's natural intelligence. This is how we were designed. Our brains are constantly seeking love, safety and belonging. And when we don't find it, our brain believes I'm going to die. That's the sympathetic nervous system coming online. So there's some ways that you can practice curiosity in the mind, body and spirit. Right, that's kind of what we're about over here the holistic model whole mind, whole body, whole spirit.
Speaker 1:Some people really love to journal. I love journals. I have a ton of journals, but I don't always know what to write in them. My daughter-in-law and my son and my grandkids gave me a beautiful journal for Mother's Day. I have not written a word in it yet because to me this journal feels almost sacred. So I want to make sure that when I write in it, I'm writing in it the things that are going to be sacred. But some people really love to just journal, get it all out there, get it out of their heads, get it down on paper, and so there's some journaling that you could do to practice curiosity. So this is the mind curiosity.
Speaker 1:So one of the questions that I really love, especially when I'm in a situation where I'm not feeling safe right, is what else could be true? Like I may not be feeling good today Is what else could be true. Like I may not be feeling good today, but what else could be true about this day? Like I may be tired today, but what else can be true even in the tiredness? What part of me is needing love, connection and safety right now? Connection and safety right now. Because we are all made up of parts, right, we have a part that's responsible for helping us go to sleep at night, a part that's responsible for waking us up, a part that's responsible for having fun, a part that's responsible for being serious. But what part of me is needing that love, safety and belonging right now. Part of me is needing that love, safety and belonging right now, and actually take time to be curious about that.
Speaker 1:Another question that you can ask that's going to kind of throw you back is what did I need when I learned to survive in this way? Like I said, when I woke up this morning, I could have just powered through because that's what I knew. I had to perform. I had to perform to be loved and to belong. But what did I actually need when I learned to survive in that way? I needed that belonging, but what is it that you needed when you learned to survive in that way? So those are some curiosity questions around the mind. But some curiosity questions about the body is like I love this. What sensation am I experiencing right now? This one is really huge to reconnect with your body.
Speaker 1:I work with so many people who are disconnected from their bodies. They might not feel pain, they might not experience the physical response of emotions. So, taking time to sit and ask yourself what am I actually noticing in my body right now? And ask yourself what am I actually noticing in my body right now? I did this with my dad. We were coming back from Nashville and it was the middle of the night and I asked him. I said how are you feeling right now? He goes, I don't know and I said well, you know, take a moment and kind of do a scan of your body. Have you ever done a body scan?
Speaker 1:Body scan is a great way to see what is going on in your body. Have you ever done a body scan? Body scan is a great way to see what is going on in your body. You start at your toes and you go up your foot and to your ankle and your calf and your knee and your thigh and just ask you know, what am I feeling right now in my ankles? What am I feeling in my knees? What am I feeling in my hips? And just go all the way up the body and when you get to your head, go back down, because sometimes it takes some time for our bodies to actually answer the question, especially if you have been disconnected from your body. So you could ask yourself these questions.
Speaker 1:I like to do this at night when I'm laying in bed, before I go to sleep, like just kind of checking in with my body, see how my body is feeling, what part of me is asking for some support, what part of me is asking for some love? Another question you can ask and I love this one too as an emotion code practitioner is where does this emotion reside in my body? Sometimes, when I'm doing an emotion code session with someone, that's a question that I ask and I let the subconscious answer like where is this emotion stuck in my body? And then another question you can ask as you're checking in with your body is can I still be me even if this is not resolved? Can I still be me even if this issue is not resolved? Because we all have the right to be ourselves. I want you to hear that again. I feel like I need to repeat that you have the right to be who you are.
Speaker 1:Some of the tools you can use to check in with your body are tools like the emotion code. If you're not familiar with the emotion code, reach out to me. You can send me a DM directly through Buzzsprout, which is where I host the podcast. You can email me. You can find me on Facebook and send me a DM that way If you're interested in learning more about the emotion code. I'm not going to go into that today, but that is a one way that you can actually reconnect with your body. It's incredible Breathwork there's tons of breathwork that you can do. There's coaches out there that specialize in breath work. Breath work is a great way to connect with your body.
Speaker 1:How can you get curious around the spirit? So, mind body, spirit right. How can you get curious about your spirit? This is something that I love to remind people of, especially people that are angry with God. God is not afraid of the questions that you have. He literally can handle them. He welcomes them. So ask your questions, ask them. Even Jesus asked on the cross my God, why have you forsaken me? Like, literally, god can handle whatever question that you have. So ask them, because healing is often found in the pause that we take between our pain and peace. So ask the questions, go to him and ask, and if you're not sure how to do that, I'm here, please reach out. So mind body, spirit, be curious. You're allowed to ask questions, you're allowed to search, you're allowed to wonder. It's okay. It's actually a good thing.
Speaker 1:The problem is, I think, that so many of us are so busy and so focused on getting the next thing done that we forget to be curious. I, you know, I've got my my to-do list, I've got my, my calendar and these things need to be done. You know the things on my calendar need to be done and I'm a doer by nature, so I want to get them done. And sometimes sometimes you know being totally transparent with you sometimes I forget, I forget to be curious, sometimes I forget to slow down and stop. But it's okay to search, it's okay to wonder, it's okay to search, it's okay to wonder, it's okay to be curious, it's okay to ask questions.
Speaker 1:Curiosity is an active experience. It's powerful. Curiosity disrupts the shame and it brings things to light and it helps to move you forward. When we're in judgment of ourselves, it puts us into the sympathetic nervous system and prevents us from healing, prevents us from moving forward. It's like it puts on those blinders that don't allow you to see anything else. Curiosity opens up our creativity, opens us up to solutions to the problems that we're having. And I'm curious like what is one story you've been telling yourself that you're ready to question with kindness. How can you be curious today about that?
Speaker 1:One thing, and I want to remind you your healing journey isn't a linear journey. Healing happens up and down. Nothing happens in a straight line, but I want you to remember you don't have to walk your healing journey alone. You can have support, you can have a guide. I want to remind you that I have a community on Facebook that you can find support. You can find other women, other compassionate women who are experiencing the same things that you're going through in life.
Speaker 1:So many of us feel like we are alone. We are the only ones going through whatever it is that we're going through, but I want to remind you there is nothing new under the sun. Everything that you are experiencing, someone has experienced before you, and that's not to minimize what you're going through at all, because your experience is true, your experience is valid, but you're not alone and, like I said before, you can find me on Facebook, you can find me on Instagram. Send me a DM.
Speaker 1:If you've got questions or you had a realization today that you'd love to share with me, I would love to hear it. Just simply reach out and share it with me. I would be honored to support you right where you are, and I just want to remind you. You are exactly where you are meant to be. I trust in Providence If you are here today listening to this episode, there is a reason, and you were designed perfectly with gifts and talents to bring to this world, and the world needs you. The world needs the healing you and if you're ready to start your healing journey, reach out and let me know. I would love to support you on your path.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening today. I am truly honored that you've spent this time with me and I hope you're walking away with something that brings you a little more peace, clarity and hope. If you want to keep the conversation going, you can connect with me over on Instagram at Lemon Balm Coaching, or join our free Facebook community. Reignite your Flame. It's where soul-tired women gather to find support, inspiration and real tools for their journey. You'll also find information at LemonBbalmcoachingcom. If you enjoyed this episode, go ahead and follow the podcast, leave a quick review and share it with a friend who needs to hear the message. Every follow, review and share helps more women discover that they were designed to thrive. Until next time, keep breathing, keep leaning into what matters and keep choosing peace.
