Why Your Brain Clings To The Bad And How To Train It Toward Good

Ever notice how a random jab from years ago feels louder than a warm compliment from last week? There’s a reason. Our brains are built to protect us, tagging threats and disappointments as high priority while letting everyday goodness slip by. We unpack that survival bias with clear, practical steps to retrain your attention so peace stops feeling like a fairy tale and starts feeling like a habit you can build.

I've got stories to share —from skunks in the camp vestibule to roadside breakdowns—that illustrate why “what went wrong” is so sticky in memory. Then we connect the dots between neuroscience and faith, showing how the reticular activating system can be tuned on purpose and how asking where God is working opens space for trust over control. You’ll learn simple, repeatable practices to shift out of constant what-ifs: daily gratitude that counts small gifts, marking moments so the good becomes recallable, speaking gratitude out loud to anchor truth, and using grounding questions to interrupt spirals. If stress has been your baseline and rest feels unsafe, these tools help your nervous system relearn safety, creativity, and joy.

I also have an update: after five steady years of showing up, I'm pausing through November and December to rest, pray, and listen for the next right step. Consider this your invitation to choose renewal over relentless survival. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review to help others find these conversations. While we’re away, join the mailing list so you don’t miss what’s coming next—and tell me: where do you see goodness moving in your life today?

Chapters

• 0:25 Why Negatives Stick In Memory
• 2:30 Story Time: Trips Gone Sideways
• 5:15 The Brain’s Survival Bias Explained
• 9:10 Hypervigilance And Living In Survival Mode
• 13:20 Faith, Purpose, And Reframing Focus
• 16:05 Gratitude Practices That Retrain Attention
• 20:40 Renewal Over Survival And What’s Next

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:25

Hey friend, have you ever wondered why your brain can remember that one offhand comment from 2003, but you can't hold on to the compliment that someone gave you last week? It's just your brain. Your brain is biased for survival. In this final episode of 2025, yes, I said final episode, we are unpacking why your focus defaults to the negative, how to retrain it to see the good, and what God designed your brain to do all along. Plus, I'll share a little about what's next for me and for the podcast. So grab your tea, get cozy, and let's talk about fixing the focus and finding peace again. Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. I'm Melissa, your coach, cheerleader, and maybe even a little bit like that mom who always has a warm hug and the best advice waiting for you. If you're a woman over 40, feeling like life's left you a little lost, aimless, or downright stuck, you're in the right place. This is where your joy, your freedom, and your purpose come back into focus. So grab a cup of something warm, settle in, and let's start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together. Welcome back to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. I am so glad you are here for real, truly, honestly, seriously. I do not take you for granted. And today we are going to be talking about something that hits home. I know for myself, and probably for so many of us. Why it feels like your brain only remembers the bad stuff. That one comment that someone made back in 2003 still echoes in your head, but the kind words from someone last week at the checkout or at the hair parlor or at church, gone. And before we dive into the science of it, I want to tell you a little story. I have been on lots and lots of trips over the years. Camping trips with my family and with the scouts, long road trips with the family, or with the scouts, or with the youth group, or with the bagpipe band across the country and even around the world. And even mission trips to other foreign lands. And you know what's really funny? When I look back at all the different trips that we've taken, the stories that we tell as a family, as a group, as a band, they're never about the perfect moments, the ones that went right. They're always about the ones that went sideways. There was one camping trip where we were out in the Guadalupe Mountains and one of our scouts was barefoot in camp, which is definitely a no-no, especially according to Boy Scout rules. And we told him to go put on some shoes. And what did he do as he was walking to his tent? He stepped on a cactus. We were again out in the Guadalupe. It might have been the same trip. It might have been a different trip. I don't remember. But we went to bed. We're in our bed or in our tent, right? I'm in my tent with my husband. And we hear something scratching around in the vestibule. And he's like, What in the world is that? And he opened, he unzips the tent and looks out. And all he sees is the tail of a skunk sticking out of my day pack. I covered up my head with my with my sleeping bag. And I just I just thought to myself, not today. I'm not dealing with this. I am not going to get sprayed by a skunk. I had left some wet naps in my backpack, my day pack. They were in packages, and yet the skunk still smelled them out and found them. And the reason we know is because once he heard my husband, the skunk came up out of the pack holding the wet naps in its teeth and then wandered off. It was very funny. Another trip we were on, our family were driving through Colorado, and the car broke down. And it was like, I think it was a Sunday night. There was nothing we could do. There was nobody open. We had to sleep on the side of the road. I mean, just we always remember the bad things, right? And I have another story, but I'm not going to share that today because that one's, oh my gosh. Yeah. That's one of those ones that has you on the edge of your seat with your feet sweating. We always remember the stuff that doesn't go the way that we expect it to go. Oh my gosh. So even though those moments were stressful at the time, because they were, they're the ones that stick in our brain, right? Our brains are really, really, really good at remembering when things go wrong. So today I want to unpack why that happens and more importantly, how to fix the focus. Because your brain, there's nothing wrong with your brain. If you find yourself spiraling, if you find yourself focused on the what-ifs and coming up with solutions for them, that's not brokenness. That's actually how your brain was designed. It was designed for bias. So what do I mean by bias? Well, the simple definition, according to dictionary.com, is bias is a prejudice in favor of or against a thing, a person, a group compared with another, and usually in a way that's unfair. In this context, your brain is biased toward survival. It favors remembering all of the dangers that you have come up against in your entire life. It favors remembering all of the disappointments that you've dealt with, it favors remembering all the pain you've gone through. Because remembering those things helps to keep you alive. If I can remember that sticking my hand on a hot burner on the stove can harm me, I won't do it again. So our brain is designed to do that. But if you've ever thought, like, why can't I just be more positive? Like people are out there being positive and finding silver linings all over the place. Why can't I do it? Or why do I always notice what's wrong? Why am I always focused on the what-ifs, the negatives? This is neuroscience. It's literally how your brain is designed. Your brain was designed by God for survival. Your brain was not designed for happiness, it was designed for survival. Your brain is constantly scanning your surroundings and making sense of every experience you go through 24-7. When you're in survival mode, your brain can't see the whole picture, though. When you are stuck in that spiral, you can't see beyond what is wrong to find solutions. Your brain can only think about what might hurt you. So that's why being positive or focusing on the good can feel so hard. And why there are so many people out there writing books, having podcasts about positive thinking, the law of attraction, because it's not easy. You literally are working against the protective mechanism that has been in place since man was created in the Garden of Eden. And when you've been stuck in stress or anxiety for a long time, your brain becomes hyper-vigilant. It starts labeling everything as potential danger. Everything is unsafe. That tone that your friend had in their voice, the look that your spouse gave you, the silence from someone sitting next to you. Your brain starts thinking of all the things that could possibly be wrong. A look from your boss, a bill, an unexpected bill that comes in the mailbox. All of these things your brain is looking for all the time. And when you are living in survival mode, it is impossible to see the blessings in your life. You can't even feel the peace that passes understanding because your system is locked in self-preservation, in defense mode. This is why so many of us stay stuck in cycles of exhaustion. I hate this word. I hate this word. And I don't use the word hate lightly. But I hate the word normalize because we've taken something that's not okay and made it seem okay. And we have uh normalized being stuck in survival mode. We call it busyness, we might even call it being strong. I'm being strong for my family, but really, this is a body that does not feel safe enough to rest. When you are stuck in survival mode, when you have normalized living at a stress level that is off the charts, your body becomes used to that and can't rest. Rest feels unsafe. But this is why I'm so passionate about teaching women like you to shift from surviving into actually living and enjoying and embracing the life that we have. So, how do you fix the focus? How do you go from being stuck in the what if to looking for the blessings? It starts by realizing, and I love this, it starts by realizing that you do not have to fight your brain, right? Your that your brain is doing exactly what it was meant to do. And when we try to fight it, I don't know about you, but there's a two-year-old toddler sitting inside of me that goes, I don't want to do that. And that's that part of my brain. But you can retrain your brain, you can upgrade your software, so to say. So when I start spiraling into the negative, when I start thinking about all the what ifs, because there are what ifs in everybody's life. Right now, some of my what ifs are, what if my husband doesn't wake up tomorrow? He's battling heart disease. What if my dad doesn't wake up tomorrow? He's battling type one diabetes and just age in general. What if I wake up tomorrow and my back decides to not function again? Like when I start spiraling into that negativity, I will ask myself, like, where is God working right now? Where can I see him at work? Because even when my circumstances feel messy, he is moving. I was having this conversation with a dear friend of mine who was going through something terrible, awful. And she said to me, I just don't see how there's a purpose behind what I'm going through. And I said, Many times we don't see the purpose until after the fact. But the scriptures tell us, I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. It is a declaration, plans to prosper you, plans for good and not for evil. He is always working in the background. We just can't always see it at the time. But so many times after we've gone through all of the things that I talked about at the beginning of the show, like we can look back and go, Oh, I see what he was doing there. And when you start looking for where God's hand is at work, you're training your mind to see the possibilities instead of the panic. You're training your mind to trust instead of control. So here's a few practical ways that you can do it. The first one is start a gratitude practice. I think many times we think gratitude needs to be reserved for the big things. But gratitude is a daily practice. And when we practice gratitude daily, we're training our reticular activating system to look for things to be grateful for. So start a gratitude practice. My sister posts something she's grateful for every day on social media. Not everybody wants to do it publicly. So maybe start a journal or even in your planner. You could write something you're grateful for every day in your planner. You could start a great gratitude journal. There's so many ways you could do it. You could just speak it out. You could write it on a sticky note and stick it where you can see it throughout the day. Mark the moments. Put a small note on your calendar when something really great happens. You'll be amazed at how much good you overlook when you're not tracking it. And when we write it down, whether it's on social media or on a planner or on a calendar or on a sticky note, it gives us an opportunity to remember. The scriptures tell us over and over and over again to remember because we forget. Why do we forget? Because our brain's looking for the next danger to make sure that we can survive it. Speak it out loud. Your words have power. The spoken word has so much power that the entire universe was brought into existence by the word. So say it out loud until your brain registers it as truth and share it. Share it with a friend. Text it to someone. Share it with the lady at the checkout counter. Who cares? Just share it. Oh my gosh, did you see what God did today? Oh my gosh, we just we just had this wonderful thing happen at home and I wanted to share it with someone. A lot of people love to journal. You can journal it, you can pray about it. Just practice gratitude. Practice gratitude. Start looking for the good in the world. Start training your reticular activating system to see the positivity that's out there. Because it's out there. It's just that the world doesn't want us to see it. So it may not be easy. The things that are worth having are worth working for. It is worth it. Maybe you've been stuck in seeing only the bad. Maybe you've only seen the broken. Maybe you've only seen the hateful. There's a lot of that going on right now in the world that you've forgotten what good feels like. Maybe life has felt heavy for so long that peace sounds like a fairy tale. But this is our brain at work. This is our brain at work. Our brains are wired for survival. But the beautiful thing is you don't have to stay in survival mode. You can get out of it. There are people like myself who help with that. God designed your brain this way on purpose. He designed it this way to look for all the bad to keep you alive. But he also gave you free will. He also gave you awareness. And he's also given us the Holy Spirit to help us renew our minds. And that's what we're talking about. The brain's always going to be looking for the negative, but we can renew it and start looking for the positive. And that's what this work is about. That is what the work that I do is all about. It's about renewal, it's about refocus, it's about shifting out of survival into serenity and peace and purpose and excitement about life again. So as I sit here recording this final episode of 2025, and I'm going to say that again. Yes, the final episode of 2025, I'm reflecting on what transition has happened this year. Not just for me, not just for my clients, but also for the podcast. For five straight years, I have shown up here in this space of the internet every other week. No breaks, no seasons off. First with the Aromatic Chat podcast that started in 2020, ran all the way through 2024, where I had the absolute joy of introducing you and many times myself to aromatherapists around the world. And this year, 2025, I shifted into something else even closer to my heart, the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast, where I've been sharing healing and peace and purpose and a space for women like you who are tired of just freaking surviving and they want to live again. But I have to be honest with you, I need to practice what I preach and I need a pause. So I'm taking the rest of this year, November and December, to rest, pray, and listen to what God has because I can feel another shift coming. So here's what I leave you with. Your brain is not broken. There is nothing wrong with seeing the bad. It is a beautiful design to help us survive. But you were never meant to stay stuck in survival mode. You can choose differently and you can you can shift your focus. So as we close out this year, as we close out 2025, I want it, I want you to practice one thing for me every day. Look for evidence of what God is doing. Look for evidence of his goodness. If you look for it, I promise you will find it. It might be small, but it is there. And I want to invite you, if if you would like to stay connected while I'm away from the podcast sphere, please, please, please make sure you're on my mailing list. That's where I share weekly encouragement and give you first access to whatever's coming up next. I'll be sharing there along with my social media channels, but the people on my mailing list are sure to get it because you know how the algorithm works. You don't see everything that everybody posts. But if you're on the list, you'll get everything firsthand. And I'm gonna put the link to sign up for the newsletter right down into the show notes. Friend, I want to thank you for being a part of this incredible journey that I'm on. Um, whether you've been listening since the aromatic chat days or you just found me this year, your support, your messages, your stories, they mean more to me than you will ever, ever, ever know. Like I said at the beginning, I do not take for granted any single one of you that show up and listen to the words that I have to say. So, with that, I will see you in January when we step into the next season together, rested, refocused, and ready. And until then, remember this your brain, it is doing exactly what it was designed to do. Keep you surviving. It's just biased. It's biased toward survival.